#Emilysstoryforhisglory
November 21,2023 (4 years since Emily’s accident)
I am slowly learning about this grief thing ...although not by choice. The weird thing is I continue to wonder, and so do others, just how I am doing, and how my family is doing. It’s not something someone ever prepares themself for or can ever anticipate how they will respond. You are just there by whatever situation brings it on, and you have to muddle through it. I don’t truly mean “muddle”, but it gets the point across. As a Christian, I believe wholeheartedly that God is intimately involved in this grieving process 100% and helping, even coaching and carrying me through it … all the time.
The analogy of a heavyweight boxer in a prize fight came to me as I have thought about this grief journey. I feel it’s similar in some ways...except that I have by surprise and unexpectedly been told I am now a prize fighter… in the ring right now, as of the accident, having never prepared or trained, but now thrown into the ring back on Nov 23, 2019 when I watched my daughter being wheeled into an elevator to have her organs donated to Gift of Life and realized at that very moment, it was the last time I would see her this side of heaven. It was a huge blow that just about put me down, in fact, I wanted to go down… I was ready to throw in the towell. But right then and there, with God’s help and the support of family and friends, I realized I had to get out there and put em up, guard my head, and stay in the ring. And still, in the midst of the fight, consciously wondering how I am doing. Fortunately, there are rounds, with a coach in my corner and a chance for a break and advice and inspiration. I seek my coach often, usually about 7:30 in the morning, and I also have a lot of fans cheering and encouraging me on. Many of them have been in fights of their own and know what I should and should not be doing, and what to watch out for, especially when it comes to the opponents strengths and moves. It has been so very helpful for my survival in this current fight to have this support and coaching and also to know I’m not in this alone. There are family and friends who are also in their own fight, and we help and support each other.
A lot of the time it feels like I am doing OK… and am going to make it … no matter how many rounds this fight lasts. And other times, the pain of the constant hammering of thoughts and memories and especially those “anticipated re-occurring days”, which for me are the 21st and 23rd of each November, March 13, her birthday, holidays, vacations, family gatherings and more, can really be rough. And then there are the little personal things that only I can relate to. Bags of almonds and york peppermint patties when I walk by them at the store still get me right in the gut (they were some of the things I would buy for her). Weirdly enough, every time I have to pluck eyebrows and ear hairs… well, that was her job, and it still gets me. Also, I can hardly drive through rural intersections anymore without slowing down and looking both ways… and of course, just thinking back on the accident. If I catch myself getting distracted while driving or hear of someone else doing it… I could possibly get on a soapbox and really go at the danger of distracted driving, and of course, think about the accident yet again.
Thinking back on Nov. 21, 2019 with a crying co-worker coming to get me off a mower, telling me I need to get to the hospital ASAP and that Emily has been in a bad accident, and the 25 minute drive into the hospital as I literally cried out to the Lord. These memories along with many others are permanently etched in my memories until I am able to see her again and painful memories will be no more.
I find myself waiting for the sucker punch, or at least worried about it and wondering when it could come and what it might be. Is something else going to happen that will put me over the edge? Well, it has now been four years since the accident and I can thankfully say that God has indeed been with me this entire grief journey. In fact, in these past four years, there have been other situations that have added to the grief load. My dad, my mother-in-law, an uncle I was very close with… all joining the heavenly family. All of these times and other stressful situations too, I have felt the presence of my coach. He is a great coach and very concerned about our situations! And He’s very capable and He’s always…. always in our corner!
I love you all… And many of you reading this are the very people and tools that God has chosen to use over the past four years and I thank you so very very much!
First, it called people to prayer. Lots of people. Social media and the internet really gets news out quickly. Some may have thought our prayers were not answered. But, who says they were not answered? Maybe not like we may have hoped for, but if we are praying like we should be, we are praying for God's will, not our own. He may not have healed Emily in the way we would have liked, but that is where we just have to trust Him. I wish we had kept track of all the specific instances we have heard of that are a direct result of Emily's story so far. People have come to know God for the first time as a result of this. People have turned their lives around and decided to make life changes for the good, including a closer relationship with Jesus. People have once again been forced to consider the briefness of this life on earth, and have been reminded this world is not our home, but merely a drop in the ocean of eternity... and then they evaluated or re-evaluated their own spiritual condition. People have grown closer to each other as they have leaned on each other for support through this rough time. People have mended relationships that were broken. People have started to pray again, when they had given up on prayer. People have started going to church again when they had given up on church. And, people received new hope in life through the gift of organs and tissue. And... I trust there will be many more. I praise God for how he can take death or any bad thing, and bring about renewal on many levels, but ultimately renewed life and good...for His Glory!
Inwardly, as a dad losing my daughter, I am still reeling and trying to come to grips with the whole thing, as are Rene' and the boys and our extended family and close friends. I know we have all had our moments. As Christians and believers in God's sovereignty, we all know without a shadow of a doubt that God has a plan... and somehow this was part of it. We really do trust Him! But, humanly, in our weaker moments... and all the while still trusting in God's sovereignty, we grieve. We mourn the loss of a very special and beautiful daughter, an only sister, an outgoing grand daughter, a beautiful niece, a joyful cousin, a crazy co-worker, a good friend, or an energetic and vibrant personality that brought life to those around her! The reality of the situation comes in waves... and the finality of our relationship here on this earth with our beloved Emily is staggering. I just plain and simply miss her immensely. I don't know how else to say it. And I feel it...physically. I have an ache in my chest that I can't get rid of.
As I sit here thinking about everything that has happened in the last month, my head spins. It has all happened so fast... and yet it has been a month. I am seriously in a weird kind of time warp. Maybe I'm still in shock... I don't know? I've never been through something like this before.
